Once upon a time, there was a little girl who learned early on in her family that she didn’t matter. None of the adults around her cared about what she thought, or who she was, or what she wanted. In that time, kids were expected to “be seen and not heard”, and to do all the things that the adults wanted them to do when they wanted them to do it.
So that little girl learned quickly and well that in order to survive in this environment, that it was easier to just do what they wanted, and be who they wanted her to be. She became an expert at meeting other people’s expectations. And she excelled at it. She made good grades, make “good” choices (as “they” defined it), and got along ok for a while. She tried whenever she could to connect, to be seen and heard, to matter. But it was only through her accomplishments, her achievements that she was told people were proud of her. Those were the things that mattered in her family the most. Who she was mattered very little at all, and was not where her value was.
And after she grew up and left home, she transferred these skills and values to her working life. And instead of meeting her parents’ expectations, she began meeting her bosses’ expectations. And she excelled and did well and got to travel and do interesting work. But it was always about the next accomplishment, and the next, and the next. It was never-ending and exhausting, and didn’t leave her feeling very good at the end of the day.
Then one day after many, many years of this, she decided that she wanted to live a different life. That she wasn’t happy. That meeting other people’s expectations wasn’t enough. Because she didn’t know who she really was anymore, if she ever did. It had certainly been a very long time if she had ever really known herself.
And on one pivotal day, she realized that she is the one and only person that gets to live her life, and so her opinion of her life and her choices needed to matter to her more than anyone else’s. Other people get to live their own lives and make their own choices, but they no longer get to impose their opinions or expectations onto her. It was empowering, she was excited, and off she went!
And she loved it! She loved re-discovering who she was. She loved the person that she REALLY was! She was fun and free and creative. She loved to travel and explore and meet new people. She loved being able to do meaningful work in the world by just showing up as herself. And she realized that her true value is in who she IS not what she DOES. That she has inherent value just by being herself. Just by showing up in the world as who she really is. That was amazing because it was the exact opposite of what she had been taught by her family.
However, her family didn’t see it that way. They treated her like she was difficult, and insubordinate. They treated her like she had no value again. They still couldn’t see her…not really…not at all. They couldn’t accept her for who she really was. They disliked her for no longer being who they wanted her to be. For no longer buying into their belief systems about work and value and accomplishments. For no longer being able to be manipulated by them to do what they wanted for her to do when they wanted for her to do it.
Because you see, on her journey she learned that all of her feelings and emotions were one of her superpowers. That she could feel more deeply than many people around her. She could feel things that other people were feeling as if they were her own feelings. And while that was sometimes hard, it was also an amazing gift. Because once she had mastered her own feelings and developed a strong sense of self, it gave her the ability to recognize when others were trying to manipulate her. And so the manipulations no longer worked on her. She could see them coming from a mile away, and she could see them for what they were. And she could see how emotionally immature members of her family really are, even the most accomplished and successful ones, and the bullying and manipulating tactics they had always used on her to “keep her in line.”
She could now choose not to participate in it any longer, which gave her both power and freedom. Because at the end of the day, she was finally ok letting those relationships go if the only alternative available to her was to betray herself to maintain them. It was no longer worth it to her. She could love them and release them if they weren’t able to treat her with more kindness and respect as a human being. If they couldn’t treat her like the capable, self-sufficient adult that she actually was, and had always been. She wouldn’t let strangers treat her that way, so why should she let her family do so? The people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, but apparently had never been able to.
How can you love someone unconditionally if you aren’t willing to even see who they really are and what makes them special? If you reject and shame them for not being who you want for them to be? If you can’t accept that they might actually have their own path to take in this life that is just as valid as any other path? And she knew enough now to know that they were projecting onto her their own insecurities and old belief systems that maybe didn’t even fit them any longer, but that they hadn’t yet been able to let go of. And she knew that actually had nothing to do with her.
While there are still parts of her journey that are challenging, she is grateful to know who she really is. She is grateful that she gets to make her own choices. She is grateful to have gone on this most amazing of journeys to find herself again. And it doesn’t matter if anyone else gets it, or is on her side, because she has her own back and she knows that everything will be ok. The old, unhealthy relationships will fall aside…and that will make room for new, healthier relationships to take their places. She no longer needs approval, or love, or support from the family she was born into. Because you see, she now gives those things to herself. She is whole. She is her own person on her own journey. And she is valuable, and worthy, and enough, just as she is. She has come a long way baby! And for that she is extremely grateful!