We all have paradigms, or belief systems, that run almost everything in our lives. Paradigms are subtle and yet one of the most powerful things that rules our lives and what we have accomplished or experienced in them to date. Paradigms are passed down from generation to generation, so they are strongly rooted in our ancestral patterns, making them very difficult to identify at times, and do something about or change even if you have been able to identify them and that they are no longer serving you.
One of my mentors, Wayne Dyer, would say “You can change your life, by changing your thoughts.” It sounds simple, but is it really? Changing your thoughts is changing the way you see things. Changing what you think is possible for yourself. And the way you see things and what you think is possible for you is all determined by your belief systems, much of which was given to you, taught to you, and didn’t necessarily come straight from you.
Except for the parts that did come straight from your early experiences where you experienced something in the world (usually something unpleasant, like being picked on or someone saying something unkind to you) and then you internalized it. You determined on your own what that experience or that feedback meant about you as a human being. Not just in that moment, but at your core. That you weren’t good enough, worthy enough, talented enough, or whatever the “not enough” you made it mean about you.
That part we do to ourselves actively without even realizing it at the time. But then it continues every day of every year until we look at it and decide to make a different choice. Decide to learn how to start loving ourselves instead, even if imperfectly. It’s the effort and intention that matters. The letting ourselves off the hook for the ridiculous things we hold ourselves accountable for. Giving ourselves permission to be ourselves, flaws and all, and for that to be both ok and enough.
I had to actively look at almost every single belief system I had that I was operating under and see it for what it is. Things that mostly other people believed and taught me. And then I had to determine if that was serving me, and if not, to let it go. For instance, in my family, on both sides but for different reasons, perceptions reigned supreme. It was WAY more important to appear put together, successful, happy, etc. to others, than to actually be those things. And you never, ever, ever showed the messiness of life to anyone. I remember as a kid whenever anyone came over to visit, even my kid friends, they were treated really well, ridiculously well, and there were no arguments, no matter what. My parents would go out of their way to be pleasant and nice and “good hosts”. They were on their best, most flexible, and happiest behavior. Not that they were awful when guests weren’t over, I just found it amusing how their behavior noticeably changed when others were around. Any conflict was resolved in the favor of the friend, regardless of the circumstances, which didn’t seem fair at the time. It seemed like my parents should be on my side, and it felt to my kid self that they rarely were when others were over.
One of my parent’s favorite sayings when I was a kid and having a hard time with how to handle a difficult situation or conflict with someone, especially someone who was an authority figure, was “be a good little actress.” When I was 8, my parents had recently been divorced and I was sent to what I lovingly refer to as “snob school”. It was a private middle school where almost all of the kids came from one of the ritziest, private, gate-controlled neighborhoods in the city I grew up in, and it was my first time ever where I encountered fake kids. Kids that would say one thing to your face and another thing behind your back, sometimes when you weren’t even out of ear shot. My whole world had been blown up at home, and then I was removed from a school where I had only authentic friendships where I always knew where I stood with others, and was sent to a school for 3 years where I had not one friend. I didn’t trust anyone. I felt like no one liked me. And I certainly learned how crappy it felt to be around people who weren’t authentic. Those who said one thing but did another. So that advice to “be someone else” or “pretend to get your way” fell really flat for me.
Fast forward almost 40 years, and I now realize that authenticity is a core component of my makeup. Of who I am as an individual on this planet. It is something that means a great deal to me. Would I have appreciated that as much had I not had this experience of being told over and over to be inauthentic to get my way or make things easier? It has taken me a long time to get back to figuring out who I am authentically because for several decades I bought into the paradigm that I needed to be someone else to be successful, I needed to be who other people wanted or needed for me to be.
Now I’m re-wiring that to figure out how I can show up as me and make a living, utilizing the same skills that I learned from situations over two decades where I was wired to be who other people wanted for me to be to earn a living. It has not been like flipping a switch. It has taken a few years, and being in a few different work situations, to figure it out. To experiment. To see what comes up in those situations, and to look at what’s behind them. It is freeing to show up as myself and get paid well, without putting all of the extra pressures on myself to perform to a ridiculous level or control all the outcomes, to be who anyone else needs me to be, to worry about external validation. It isn’t an easy journey, but it has been well worth it.
It always surprises me that no matter how far I have come from where I was when I left my old corporate life, how quickly and easily I can slide back into my old habits, the old subversive belief systems that subconsciously rule my behaviors and experiences without even realizing it. And yet, now I recognize it sooner. In the past I might not have seen it at all, or it might have taken me weeks or months to see it. Now I can typically see it within a day or two, sometimes within the hour. It doesn’t have the same hold on me that it once did, and when I automatically revert back to an old belief or behavior, I see it sooner so I can decide to act or react to it sooner.
My warning signal is how I feel. If my interactions are fun, positive, constructive, productive, then I’m in my authentic paradigm. If I get consumed by something, typically a difficult interaction with someone, and it feels awful, or I’m spinning on it, then I know I’m hitting up against the old stuff. The fears, the meanings I’ve learned or given things. The paradigms that I’ve mostly, but not completely shifted away from. And it gives me information about what I still need to work on. What hasn’t been completely cleared. Where I need to go deeper in my own internal healing work.
I’ve learned that our struggles are never about the other person. Other people and situations are a mirror for us, to help us see ourselves more clearly. To help us determine “through contrast” (or what doesn’t feel good, as Abraham Hicks speaks about) what we really want in life. And that the solution, which is also our own work to do is not to “fix” the other person, but rather to learn the lessons we need to learn for our own growth, and to heal those things within ourselves that are our wounded places. I am the only person who can do that work for myself, and every piece that I heal pays dividends in spades.
Is there a paradigm or belief system that you were taught that no longer serves you? What is the new belief system that you are willing to create in its place? Let me know in the comments below.