I was told once that I was a world-class self-sabotager. That I could win awards and medals and advanced degrees for my ability to sabotage myself. Until that point I had not had that awareness. I had just been doing my best to make it through my life.
Shortly after then, I went to a live event, a conference, hosted by an author of a book that I had been encouraged to read (Tapping into Wealth by Margaret Lynch). I didn’t really know what to expect from the 3-day live event, but on day one or two when she showed slides about all the ways we sabotage ourselves, I checked off every one in my copy of the handouts, except for two. And then realized a couple of days after I got home from the conference that I was able to check off one of those two remaining items too. I finally started to see it.
Here is the list:
- Achieving to prove your worth
- Berating yourself that you should have done better or known better
- Judging and dismissing others
- Isolating – “I don’t need anything or anyone”
- Insisting that you are not mad (even though you are in judgment)
- Exhausting yourself, pushing yourself
- Feeling frustrated or disappointed (again!)
- Going to war with yourself, your worth, and/or your power
- Engaging in battle with others
- Severe self-criticism to depression
- Being confused and anxious
- Invisible and stuck, procrastinating
- Epic over-giving and sacrificing
How many of these do you engage in? Have you recognized these things as acts of self sabotage in the past? Can you see how that might be the case now?
So I started on a journey of learning how to heal myself, to get out of my own way, to learn how to stop sabotaging myself and my efforts to build the life that I most wanted to be living. I signed up for Margaret’s year long program, and began to learn about how we take vows at the level of each chakra as we are developing throughout our early lives, and that those vows inform all of our decisions.
For instance, at the first chakra (birth to 6 mo) we learn about how safe we are in this world. If we are meant to be here or not. If we have come into the right family or not. We develop tribal bonds and loyalties to fit in and stay safe and have our needs met. We develop these impressions in our nervous system from the time we are delivered into the world until we are about 6 months old. And that everything physical that we are able to accumulate in our lives is directly related to how solid we are in our first chakra – our ability to accumulate or attract money, a house, a car, healthy relationships, physical health, jobs we love, etc. are all first chakra things. The vow that we often take at the first chakra level is “I am not safe. I will never be safe.” And if we have made this vow, this will show up and manifest in certain areas of our lives.
At our second chakra (ages 6 mo-2 yrs) we learn how easily or not we can get our needs met. The vow here is “I will not have needs (or be needy).” This is the energetic center operating our pleasure center (ability to find and attract pleasure into our lives), our emotional body, and our ability to create, and reproduce. If it was not easy to get our needs met from the ages of 6 months to 2 years old then we may develop a view of the world that it is easier just not to have needs at all. We may become people pleasers, and focus all of our attention on meeting other people’s needs while not having any of our own. This may have helped us cope as little people, but can you see how this can hold us back as adults and cause resentments in our current lives?
At our third chakra (ages 1.5-4) we learn about the influence we have on the world around us. This is the energetic center we utilize to take action in the world. The vow that is often taken here is the “vow of invisibility.” For many kids at this developmental age, it was easier to not stand out and instead to blend in and be pleasant and behave well to stay out of trouble, but also to receive praise and love. But as an adult who wants to make a difference or start your own business or be impactful in the world in a bigger way, not allowing yourself to be seen can be a huge hinderance.
At the fourth chakra (ages 4-7), it is all about forgiveness. The vow here is often “I am not lovable.” This is where we learn about love and rejection, social acceptance, and self-acceptance. The work here is all about forgiveness of ourselves and others. Of showing up for ourselves. Of giving our younger selves the love that we wished others had given us earlier in our lives but they weren’t able to.
The fifth chakra (ages 7-12) is all about our ability to communicate, to speak our truth, to express our creativity. The sixth chakra I won’t go into here because that is the chakra that we tend to over-develop throughout much of our early lives in our society – our minds. And the seventh chakra is our connection to source, the universe or a higher energetic force.
Learning about this was very impactful to me. It helped me put these things into perspective, and combined with tapping (emotional freedom technique or EFT), it was a powerful way to release and heal from some of these common vows or paradigms that lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. As the healing happened, the automatic tendencies to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors lessened, and when they do pop up from time to time, I have a way to see them, understand them, and address them much more quickly than before.
For this, I will be forever grateful to my mentors Margaret Lynch and Bethany Long. I love you both and am so grateful for the important roles you have played in my life. I would not be where I am now without your love, coaching, support and brilliance in putting these concepts and modalities together. I also will be forever grateful for the amazing tribe of soul-sisters, and a couple of brothers, that I gained through this process. I love each and every one of you, and will be forever grateful that we shared this journey together and that I have you all in my life!
What is the biggest thing you do to self-sabotage? How might you treat yourself differently moving forward? Leave a comment below to share your experience.