I wrote the majority of this post a good while ago – in the summer of 2020…and I knew at the time I wrote it that it was powerful for me, and so I let it sit for a while. I just came in and revisited it, and it’s really interesting to me how much it still resonates and is super relevant in my life. I’m still being taught many of these lessons, especially coming out of the last year and a half of pandemic alone-time!
Recently I did some deep family-based healing work, and I think I’m still processing it. The process of breaking free from unhealthy patterns (especially long-standing family ones) is not an easy one. It is WAY easier to “go with the flow” and be who other people want for you to be – for both them and you. However, it is also very damaging to the self to live like that, and I’m not willing to do that any longer. With each new experience, I commit to this more and more. My commitment to myself is my #1 priority. To be healthy emotionally and physically, to create loving, supportive relationships in my life, to engage in meaningful work that leverages my gifts, talents and skills, to be of service whenever I can. To be joyful, to have adventures, to experience freedom, beauty, and meaning in my life. And maybe to inspire others to do the same.
I am valuable. I am worthy. I am loveable. Things that I did not feel often enough growing up, like many people…I know I’m not alone. Much of the time I felt like an imposition. I felt that I wasn’t wanted. I felt ignored a lot. And much of it was probably just a sign of the times. I grew up as a latch key kid with two working parents, and many of my peers did too. And it is taking a LOT of work to re-wire these beliefs. To see myself differently. To accept myself. To allow myself (my real self) to be seen and heard. To recognize unhealthy dynamics as they are happening in real time and to choose differently in the moment.
I was thinking about why I am so incredibly drawn to beautiful coming out / compassionate / acceptance stories lately (huge shout-out to Daniel Levy, and his creation, the TV show Schitt’s Creek). And I’m realizing that, coming out is the process of being seen and valued for who you really are, even if it conflicts with the view that others have of who you are or should be and what you should want from life. I’m realizing it is a human experience, although seen and portrayed most often in our culture and time as being primarily a gay or queer experience.
Even though I am straight in terms of sexual orientation, I can viscerally identify with the pain and fear associated with coming out. Will people accept you for who you really are? Will you be seen? Will you be valued? Will you be loved? Or will you be rejected and worse off than if you just pretended to be who others want you to be?
And how do you navigate the path of other people’s responses relative to who you know yourself to be and your inherent value and worthiness as a human being? How do you let the people go, or protect yourself from the people, who are supposed to love you unconditionally but can’t or don’t? How do you stay in relationship with people who are supposed to love you unconditionally but refuse to see or accept who you really are, or worse actively shame and invalidate you to serve their own purposes? Does unconditional love really exist and if so, how can you find more of it?
In my life this has played out in terms of my career and my existence in my family of origin. My experience is that I am valued and validated if I “am who they expect me to be” and shamed and invalidated, or left out altogether, if I step “out of line” with those expectations. Because it makes them uncomfortable. It forces them to look at themselves and their beliefs and behaviors differently…and there are people out there, even smart, good, well-meaning people, who just aren’t willing to go there. Sometimes we provide a beacon of where they could grow in their own lives, just by existing and being ourselves, and that is not always received or received well.
I have learned this journey is all about the self. Your self-realization and actualization. The process of loving yourself unconditionally. It’s not about “them”. And then I have gone to this place of “how can you learn to love yourself unconditionally when you realize that you don’t think you have ever really received unconditional love (or if you have, you couldn’t recognize it or let it in)?” And all I can come up with so far is to feel the pain of where it is lacking and give yourself what you need to lessen the pain…in a healthy and empowering way. Or to feel into what you most desire and manifest more of that feeling into your life.
I think we experience unconditional love most often with our pets…maybe not all of them, as some of them have come into my life to teach me other valuable lessons…but I can think of several in particular with whom I had a deep soul connection and felt like we were a team, and I loved them and felt loved like I may never have experienced that deep a love in any other way.
We teach people how to treat us. And when we can love ourselves more deeply and unconditionally, our standards related to how we are treated shift. They get higher. We don’t put up with as much crap or unhealthy behaviors from others. We don’t fall for the same triggers or have the same reactions we have had in the past. We show up differently, which is where our true power lies. When we are on our own side, and become our own best advocate, we will stop attracting the people who don’t treat us well (other than the universe throwing an occasional old trigger in our path so we can prove to ourselves we have grown and healed to varying degrees).
I’ve been told by many on this journey that when we do our own healing work and show up as more of our true selves, we also help others around us heal just by showing up differently. I’m not sure I’ve actually seen that yet in my life, but I have experienced attracting a different set of new people into my life, for which I am very grateful. People who are also more self-actualized. People who are embracing who they are and living authentically. People who aren’t encumbered by the history of who I was before to survive my circumstances when I had little-to-no power or control, or who are attached to those old paradigms continuing. People who can see who I am now, and actually like me (as I now actually know and like myself) or dare I say in some cases love me (as I’m able to love myself). And I’m grateful for the people I do have in my life who “knew me way back then” who have grown on a similar trajectory and can and do see me and accept me and love me for who I really am. I love and appreciate you guys more than you may ever know!
I’ve come a long way and I’m very grateful for the journey. Healing work is not for sissies…it is hard work…and it is both worth it and way better than the alternative!
Here’s to honoring, loving, and valuing yourself first and foremost so you can show up in the world and in your relationships and give and receive the love that you most long for and deserve – from both yourself and others. And here’s to letting others (even those who have hurt us or can’t truly see us) live their paths as they choose to without judgment. We are all figuring out this life as best we can. Much love to you on your journey!